I imagine you probably have my number blocked, which is best I think, cause I don’t actually want you to read this, and I’m not trying to annoy you. I just need to say… You walked into my life, saw the worst of me, and walked out. I think my biggest fear in life is to be like my dad was… Insensitive. And that’s exactly how I was.
And I don’t know why I happened to hit a brick wall at the perfectly wrong moment. I think it’s because after months of feeling numb, you lit a fire in my heart and my age old demons – my insecure version of myself – surfaced again with a vengeance, clinging to that flame, and in the process smothered it so drastically it ended worse off than before it ever existed. Have you ever read Of Mice and Men? I felt like an emotional Lennie Small. Perfectly good intentions, no tact and no awareness.
And as it happened, it had been awhile since my last anxiety attack so I was blindsided, and I’m honestly still picking myself up – that’s why I couldn’t just leave it be. But maybe after saying all this I’ll be able to…
I guess all I’m really trying to do is convince myself that I’m not the person you met. I’m not… Insensitive. But convincing yourself isn’t easy when the evidence shows otherwise.
I guess I wanted you to say, simply, “I understand”. You see, you just seem so sensible and collected. You handled this so smoothly. One quick decision and it was like you never knew me. And so I guess I value your opinion on the matter more than my own; I mean, how can I value the opinion of the person who was the problem to begin with? I know it’s a problem, and I’m working on it, but I just wanted you to understand. That’s all.
So, I work on it. And just when I think I’m getting through the clouds, I remember how you told me about him. How he treated you, and the delicate situation your heart is in now. I mean, your circumstances… I told you already how amazed I was at who you are and have become despite the incredibly difficult things you’ve had to handle – especially of late – and despite that, somehow I was still so… Insensitive. And even now, I’m writing you despite you asking me not to.
So I’m torn between this twenty three year old demon that runs deeper than my marrow, begging for understanding, and the poor excuse for a man I’ve been trying to carve out of stone with my fingernails of late, asking me to be sensitive to your need for patience and understanding – to put your needs above mine. The need to be sensitive over the need to be understood.
You won’t know it, but tonight I’m wishing you well. I’m hoping meeting me will only have made you stronger, and wiser.
Tonight the stone man wins.
yearethelight 